Burning Haibun

"A burning haibun must be composed of three (or more) parts—an initial prose poem, an erasure of that prose poem, and an erasure of the previous erasure down to a haiku."

I wonder if finding religion will help me. That’s what I’ve heard. Look to a greater power for your problems. I try prayer. I try therapy. I try meditation, crystal healing, massage, yoga. I write until my hand aches. I over caffeinate, smoke weed, try everything. It seems that nothing ever really changes.

I grow, I become older, I save money.  I eat better, I hydrate, I get enough sleep, but I am still in my head too often. 

I'm loved, I let myself feel it. Im healing, but still forever living in a balloon drifting above my body, tethered only by a flimsy ribbon. 

I’m unpolished. I want to be beautiful and genuine. I want to be content in my body. I want to know what I truly look like. I wish, I wish, I hope. Everyday feels the same. Time moves too fast for my comfort, I yearn for my youth again. I am sorry, younger me. 

I eavesdrop, overhear conversations, overhear how people interact. I think I’m depressed again, but it manifests in a new, strange way. I wonder why I can’t just feel pleased with where I am in life. Things are going well for me. Why can't I get rid of the dark, heavy, pit inside my chest? I suppose I may never truly know.

My thought patterns are repetitive. I find myself writing the same thing over and over, trying to solve the problems in my head by over analyzing them. It never works. In fact, that’s the very definition of insanity isn’t it? Repeating the same thing over and over hoping for a different outcome? 

I know I cannot relive my girlhood. I cannot solve the trauma that has been thrust upon me by a greater power, all I can really do is accept it, reluctantly. I feel as though acceptance doesn’t fully help me though. 

⚘

I wonder if finding religion will help me.  It seems that nothing ever really changes. I’m unpolished.  I wish, I wish, I hope.  I think I’m depressed again, but it manifests in a new, strange way. I may never truly know.  It never works.  I cannot relive my girlhood,  all I can really do is accept it.

⚘

Wonder religion

I’m unpolished. I wish I

Relive my girlhood